Humans are wired for connection. It is in our biology it is how we thrive.
From birth our brains are formed, our nervous systems developed, and our behavior geared around co-regulation and being in connection with others. (Learn more about the importance of Co-regulation here). It is through safe, secure and consistent connection with others that we develop a sense of self, identity, and blueprint for our relationships and worldview.
However…when this process included unsafe, insecure, unstable, unavailable and inconsistent connection and co-regulation…we learn about who we are through others projected trauma. Our sense of self has little space to develop due to the lack of freedom to explore with support. Our sense of self and inner voice become the the subtle or overt messages we received about how to avoid hurt and access connection.
This causes someone to orient towards risk management, avoidance, and protection. We seek out control and predictability, even if what feels predictable is chaos or abandonment.
These protection mechanisms can look like
- protecting yourself from feeling feelings that seem overwhelming by avoiding situations/scenarios that trigger them
- clinging to relationships or people pleasing
- Not being emotionally available in relationships and protecting yourself from being known or being vulnerable
- maladaptive coping skills to protect from the pain or confronting wounds
- Self sabotage
Overall it boils down to protecting ourselves from perceived rejection, isolation, judgement, shame, and confronting the pain of our past and the beliefs we have internalized.
Does this sound familiar?
It can often feel overwhelming to think about how you have been impacted by trauma, it can seem like too much to heal from. Having a therapist or professional to support you in this process is key. However, if you want to start re-orienting yourself towards connection instead of protection you can start with:
Identifying
- what are you trying to protect yourself from? What are you attempting to avoid? (i.e getting to close to someone, failure, rejection…)
- what does this protection show up as? What behaviors, feelings, and experiences are manifestations of conscious or subconscious attempts to protect yourself?
If you can begin to identify them, start just by bringing awareness to when you are engaging in them and being honest with yourself about what your attempting to avoid in that moment.
Then we work towards integrating new behaviors and thought patterns, which you can read more about here.
If your ready to start healing from your past, and want to experience confidence, peacefulness, and healthy connection let’s connect!
1. Sign up for the newsletter
2. Tap into our group courses
3. Let me know if you want to work together!
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